The Paper Assassination

The first of three care packages for final exam season.

So far in our imaginary adventures we have channeled wizened wizards and sassy old people as we've pursued perspective, serenity and forgiveness.

But when you've got the clear and present danger of an essay looming on the horizon, all the inner peace in the universe just ain't gonna cut it.

That's right. Oh yes. It's time to channel your inner badass.

It's time for Operation Paper Assassination.

For starters, let's consider this purely hypothetical example that is in no way based on how I actually spent my Thursday morning.

It's 3:00 pm. You're lying in your bed, overheated, starving and you feel like a depressed sloth covered in molasses. To your credit, you actually woke up a few hours ago. You just didn't get up. You sent some emails, checked some websites, day dreamed, took a few mini-naps. And all of a sudden it's the middle of the afternoon and you've got a paper due. You could do one of two things. You could go back to sleep (at this point, what's five more minutes anyway?) and then when you finally lug yourself out of bed, spiral into a downward--uh--spiral of self-loathing that causes you to procrastinate even more.

Or . . .

You hear a noise. Is it them? Have they come? You whip back the covers and leap out of bed, throwing on the first clothes you see. You hastily pack a bag. Computer. Notes. Toothbrush. Any second there could be a knock on the door and it's all over. You pause for a second to look through the peephole on your door. Clear. You flee down the hall, walking nonchalantly when others pass, then breaking into a run as soon as they're out of sight. The library. It's the only safe place. You run all the way, ducking into a little place to buy coffee and some breakfast, just in case you're being followed. Finally, you get to your favorite study spot and collapse into a chair, gasping for breath. You whip out your computer and do what you do best: hack. You've got to tap into a secret channel and send a transmission before . . .

In other words, you went to the library to write your paper. But isn't it so much more fun to pretend you're an expert hacker fleeing mysterious enemies? And more than fun: it gets me out of bed and into a study space in under five minutes. (And you can even pretend in public! People will just assume you're late for something.)

I like to channel one of my favorite badasses in situations like these: Lisbeth Salander from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Harrison Ford in Fugitive is a good choice too.

Now that you've gotten out of bed and are ready to write, you still need to make the leap to actually putting words on a page. Here are some techniques you can try:

1) Continue with the hacker thing. Sometimes I just type really fast and pretend I'm hacking. But you can also be slightly more realistic. For instance, Hacker Typer is a website that allows you to press random keys and appear to be hacking (you know, black screen, green code, the works). However, even though this might get you into the hacking spirit, it doesn't actually help you write your paper. To feel like you're hacking while writing your paper, open a word document and change your view to "Draft View" in the bottom left corner of the document. Then, change your background to black (Format -> Background) and your font to green and something like Courier. And Voilà!

Helpful hacker props include coffee, gum, dark nail polish and hooded sweatshirts.

2) Pretend you are writing the screenplay for a deep and poetic movie. Caution: this tends to inspire a somewhat dramatic (but also quite moving) writing style. Play a sweeping, touching movie score and narrate your paper as you write it (extra points if you narrate in a British accent . . . or, I guess, if you are in fact British). Imagine you're the voiceover in the beginning of an epic film. I find the main theme from The Notebook especially helpful.

3) Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking: all of this advice is basically just telling me to procrastinate further! I would argue that framing your paper writing session in a fun, refreshing way is a better use of your procrastinating abilities than mindlessly surfing the internet because, hopefully, this might actually help you start your paper. However, I recognize that sometimes you gotta forget all the bells and whistles and just pound it out. So here is my gift to you: Write or Die. It's a website that motivates you to keep writing by messages, loud noises and (my personal setting of choice) deleting your words one by one if you stop for too long. This is called Kamikaze Mode and it has saved me in some of my worst homework moments. The kinder alternative is Written Kitten, which sadly has no power over a procrastinator extraordinaire like myself, but which you might like. My close friend Roomie Ninja also suggested Self Control which will block any websites you find distracting for the amount of time you set.

4) If you're sick of boring, mundane assignments, shake it up! Take an exciting new angle, a daring perspective or a gutsy attitude with your essay. My best friend from high school, Soul Sister Ninja, would take quotes from her favorite songs and poems and start out her papers with those. Don't let your essay kill your creative, vibrant spirit and doom you to conformity.

Instead, you assassinate it with your badass style. Oh, oh! Even better, badassinate it.


Look for your second care package coming soon!