The Paper Assassination

The first of three care packages for final exam season.

So far in our imaginary adventures we have channeled wizened wizards and sassy old people as we've pursued perspective, serenity and forgiveness.

But when you've got the clear and present danger of an essay looming on the horizon, all the inner peace in the universe just ain't gonna cut it.

That's right. Oh yes. It's time to channel your inner badass.

It's time for Operation Paper Assassination.

For starters, let's consider this purely hypothetical example that is in no way based on how I actually spent my Thursday morning.

It's 3:00 pm. You're lying in your bed, overheated, starving and you feel like a depressed sloth covered in molasses. To your credit, you actually woke up a few hours ago. You just didn't get up. You sent some emails, checked some websites, day dreamed, took a few mini-naps. And all of a sudden it's the middle of the afternoon and you've got a paper due. You could do one of two things. You could go back to sleep (at this point, what's five more minutes anyway?) and then when you finally lug yourself out of bed, spiral into a downward--uh--spiral of self-loathing that causes you to procrastinate even more.

Or . . .

You hear a noise. Is it them? Have they come? You whip back the covers and leap out of bed, throwing on the first clothes you see. You hastily pack a bag. Computer. Notes. Toothbrush. Any second there could be a knock on the door and it's all over. You pause for a second to look through the peephole on your door. Clear. You flee down the hall, walking nonchalantly when others pass, then breaking into a run as soon as they're out of sight. The library. It's the only safe place. You run all the way, ducking into a little place to buy coffee and some breakfast, just in case you're being followed. Finally, you get to your favorite study spot and collapse into a chair, gasping for breath. You whip out your computer and do what you do best: hack. You've got to tap into a secret channel and send a transmission before . . .

In other words, you went to the library to write your paper. But isn't it so much more fun to pretend you're an expert hacker fleeing mysterious enemies? And more than fun: it gets me out of bed and into a study space in under five minutes. (And you can even pretend in public! People will just assume you're late for something.)

I like to channel one of my favorite badasses in situations like these: Lisbeth Salander from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Harrison Ford in Fugitive is a good choice too.

Now that you've gotten out of bed and are ready to write, you still need to make the leap to actually putting words on a page. Here are some techniques you can try:

1) Continue with the hacker thing. Sometimes I just type really fast and pretend I'm hacking. But you can also be slightly more realistic. For instance, Hacker Typer is a website that allows you to press random keys and appear to be hacking (you know, black screen, green code, the works). However, even though this might get you into the hacking spirit, it doesn't actually help you write your paper. To feel like you're hacking while writing your paper, open a word document and change your view to "Draft View" in the bottom left corner of the document. Then, change your background to black (Format -> Background) and your font to green and something like Courier. And Voilà!

Helpful hacker props include coffee, gum, dark nail polish and hooded sweatshirts.

2) Pretend you are writing the screenplay for a deep and poetic movie. Caution: this tends to inspire a somewhat dramatic (but also quite moving) writing style. Play a sweeping, touching movie score and narrate your paper as you write it (extra points if you narrate in a British accent . . . or, I guess, if you are in fact British). Imagine you're the voiceover in the beginning of an epic film. I find the main theme from The Notebook especially helpful.

3) Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking: all of this advice is basically just telling me to procrastinate further! I would argue that framing your paper writing session in a fun, refreshing way is a better use of your procrastinating abilities than mindlessly surfing the internet because, hopefully, this might actually help you start your paper. However, I recognize that sometimes you gotta forget all the bells and whistles and just pound it out. So here is my gift to you: Write or Die. It's a website that motivates you to keep writing by messages, loud noises and (my personal setting of choice) deleting your words one by one if you stop for too long. This is called Kamikaze Mode and it has saved me in some of my worst homework moments. The kinder alternative is Written Kitten, which sadly has no power over a procrastinator extraordinaire like myself, but which you might like. My close friend Roomie Ninja also suggested Self Control which will block any websites you find distracting for the amount of time you set.

4) If you're sick of boring, mundane assignments, shake it up! Take an exciting new angle, a daring perspective or a gutsy attitude with your essay. My best friend from high school, Soul Sister Ninja, would take quotes from her favorite songs and poems and start out her papers with those. Don't let your essay kill your creative, vibrant spirit and doom you to conformity.

Instead, you assassinate it with your badass style. Oh, oh! Even better, badassinate it.


Look for your second care package coming soon!

The Shoulder Angel Assignment

In which we make believe super awesome people believe in us. 

Elie Wiesel. Nobel Peace Laureate. Renowned author and humanitarian. Holocaust survivor.

Queen Latifah . . . Yeah. Queen Latifah.

What do these two people have in common? Answer. They're my shoulder angels!

Sometimes we just can't do it on our own. And friends are great, but sometimes we need a mentor. Someone wise and tough who can knock some sense into us while providing that life-saving kind of comfort. Well, we've said goodbye to our parents, older relatives and beloved teachers. So who's going to play Obi-Wan to our Luke?

When I feel the need for a caring, firm voice to motivate me to be a grown up,  I imagine my shoulder angels giving me a pep talk. When I can't get out of bed in the morning . . .

Me: Nope, goin' back to sleep . . .
Q.L.: Baby, get yo ass out of bed and do somethin' with your life! C'mon, I'm not gonna wait forever.
Me: But Queen Latifah, I'm so tired----
E.W.: Each day is a gift. Doing nothing in the face of so much beauty and so much pain would be a crime, my friend.
Q.L: Mmmmm-hmmmmm.

Or when I get all worked up over school . . .

Me: Guys, I can't do this. I ruin everything! I fail at life.
E.W.: No one is a failure who loves.
Q.L.: That's just crazy. Girl, you expect me to feel sorry for you? Snap out of it! Go make it happen, Baby.

Because we feed ourselves negative messages all the time, sometimes we need to hear the good stuff in another person's voice. A voice we trust and admire.

But here's the thing. As fun as it is to imagine your own personal shoulder angels, you need real live mentors too. You need grown ups. And man, have I missed them in college.

Since I've been on my own, away from the constant love and simple presence of my family, I've craved mentors, mothers and life coaches like never before. Part of your quest when you arrive on campus your first year is to create a support system for yourself---don't underestimate the importance of finding awesome old(ish) people. You might find your Dumbledore in a professor you like or someone at your job or the parent of a kid you babysit. Or you might find them in a completely unexpected way. Get to know the other adults in your life that you might not immediately think of as mentors---my friends and I have found surrogate parents and grandparents in our librarians, dorm housekeepers and dining hall chefs.

The key is to share yourself. This is not, "My professor is very prestigious therefore I will now attempt to ask an intelligent question so as to impress them." This is more like, "What a funny guy! I think I'll go tell him I liked his lecture." Or, "Neuroscience is awesome! I'll go ask my professor what classes she would recommend!" Wear your heart on your sleeve when you're first getting to know your target real-life shoulder angel. Don't invent reasons to talk to awesome grown ups. But don't make excuses NOT to talk them when you really want to.

As for grown ups you're meeting outside the classroom, ask people's names and then hang around long enough to have a real conversation. And when you see them the next time, have another real conversation. It's that simple, my ninjas.

Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end, you'll see.

So, I have two questions for you: Who would you pick for your imaginary shoulder angels if you could have anyone in the fictional or non-fictional universe? And who are your real life shoulder angels? Send me a top secret transmission below (i.e. comment)! Feel free to use code names to protect your identities (oh, you know you want to).

El Código del Perdón

Because spy missions sound better in foreign languages.

You know that thing when you suddenly remember something awful you did days, months or even years ago and your whole body just cringes?

Well, Ninja Protégé, it is time to begin your anti-regret training. Like the Zen Master Method, El Código del Perdón (or "The Code of Forgiveness") can be employed in any stressful situation, not just  when dealing with mistakes.

Step 1. Freak out.

Start panicking.

This step is optional. More experienced ninjas proceed directly to Step 2. I just want to acknowledge that it's ok to take a few moments to feel what you feel.

Step 2. Employ Zen Master Method.

See my last communication. Quick summary: Pretend you are an unflappable badass. As you are making your plan of action on how to tackle your problem, keep in mind these next steps.

Step 3. Face the music.

I spent a lot of time in high school making excuses for myself. I was so afraid of people's disapproval that I was never just honest about my mistakes and things like, "I was sick!" just slipped out. Now, I try to just tell the hard truth. I once burst into my Japanese staff fighting class (and you were doubting my qualifications as a ninja) a half an hour late and bumbled through an explanation that I had slept through my alarm but I really, really wanted to be there and it wouldn't happen again. My teacher (Steve Sensei) told me to get it together. And then thanked me for my honesty. I can't tell you how many people thank me for my honesty nowadays. We all screw up. Often. And badly (arriving late to class has been the least of my mishaps). So people appreciate when you humbly take responsibility. Admit you were wrong, ask for help and bravely face your mistakes.

I haven't been feeling well. I had a family emergency.
I made a mistake.

Step 4. Do what you can to fix it.

You can't go back. And no one can expect that of you. So do your best, your absolute best, to make amends. Apologize. Ask what you can do going forward. And then the ball's in the other person's court.

Step 5. Be honest with yourself.

"I failed my test because I'm a horrible person." Wrong. You failed your test because you didn't understand the material and underestimated how much time you'd need to study. In the scheme of things, those are pretty small mistakes. At least a lot smaller than being a horrible person! Be sure to remember the tough stuff that was out of your hands too. Don't beat yourself up for things you didn't do or couldn't control. Take an unflinchingly honest look at what went wrong and focus on one small thing you could do differently next time.

Step 6. Learn from it.

The best way I've found to get past my regrets is to make a pact with myself for next time. "Ok, so that didn't go so hot. Note to self: do not eat spaghetti over your friends' class projects" [actual entry in my journal from freshman year]. Remember to be patient with yourself. You might end up making the same promise to yourself several times before you're able to make a change.

And then,

Step 7. Let it go.

 Listen, we’re not supposed to know how to do this. Let me repeat: We’re not supposed to know how to do this. My first year I remember being in the midst of trying to start this club and failing miserably and asking myself, “Why can’t I do this?” And just as suddenly I had my answer. Nobody told you how. You have to be patient with yourself as you figure out how to be an adult because while the people who love you have tried to prepare you for this, the truth is, you don’t have the answers yet and how could you possibly? So the most important rule of surviving college: forgive yourself for your mistakes because this is how we learn how to be the awesome adults we dream of being.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Will this matter to the future love of your life? Will your kids care that you messed this up?" And that usually helps. 

Will your future children care about this mistake?

Seriously, for all the soon to be first years out there, let this be your mantra: This is my first year. I'm just learning.

I'm not supposed to know how to do this.




Special thanks to my sister, High School Ninja, who inspired my ideas on this and first helped me articulate them. Rock on with your bad self, Baby Cakes.

The Zen Master Method

When you feel incapable of dealing with the situation at hand, pretend you are someone who can handle it. 

Imagine you’re sitting in your room and you experience the figurative bomb drop. Maybe you open your email and find a message from your angry professor about skipping that volunteer thing you signed up for. Maybe you can’t find your roommate’s most precious possession that you borrowed without asking the night before. Or perhaps your poor planning has ended up threatening the grades of the other people working on your group project. A missed exam, a tiny lie that grew—whatever the problem, it sounds small, feels big and it’s All. Your. Fault.

My next few communications with you will deal with the procedure for handling your mistakes. Consider this the first step of your assignment.

So you’ve screwed up. And you’re stomach has dropped into your shoes and proceeded to twist around in an approximation of the Devil’s Tongue knot. What do you do next?

Answer: channel a Zen Master. There are many to choose from but here are a few suggestions:

At some point all of these people (fictional or otherwise) screwed something up. Big time. So ask yourself, what would, say, Gandalf, do if he were in your place? Would he panic and say, "I suck, I'm the worst, why can't I do anything right?" No, he'd say something like, "I have made a grave error and I alone must bear the burden of making things right again in the world *sad eye twinkle*." Try telling yourself something like that instead. 

“But how do I channel the Zen Master?” you might ask. Well, first, take a deep breath and set a serene expression on your face. Second, find an epic theme song.

As your theme music plays, open a document on your computer (Aunt Francie) or find a handy post-it note (Mom), and write, “Operation [Insert desperate problem here]”. The key is to pretend that you are the Zen Master. Let the calm and wisdom of years of keeping peace in Middle Earth or imparting soulful advice wash over you. And so you make your plan, brainstorming possible solutions, noting things you will absolutely NOT do and planning some steps for taking action. 

But wait, wait, there’s a catch. You have to do this immediately after discovering the problem. Do not, I repeat, do NOT, bury yourself under your covers or turn on your favorite television show in an attempt to escape the dread creeping up on you. Make your plan first. Trust me, you will feel so much better.

The Zen Master Method can be extended beyond mistakes and applied to any task that feels daunting or overwhelming. Sometimes in college I find myself faced with problems I don't know how to solve or situations when making a mistake lets people down and messes up stuff I care about. While pretending to be a more capable human (or wizard) can't take you all the way to a solution, I've found it to be a useful exercise thats calms me down and helps me remember that it's all going to be all right. Nothing is hopeless. There is always something I can do to make amends or take a step in the right direction. You just have to think like a Zen Master and make a plan. Take it from one of my mom's favorite musicals, The King and I: Make believe you're brave and the truth will take you far. You may be as brave as you make believe you are. Lalalala LA lalalalala, etc. 

My next post will attempt to assist you with the actual planning of your Operation. In the meantime, channel the master of your choice and become who you were born to be.

Operation Ninja Launch

In which new ninjas become acquainted with The Mission.

It's been a rough year for College Ninja. After an adventurous first year filled with wonderful discoveries and accomplishments, I crashed into sophomore year. We'll get into specifics if they're needed, but for now, with your limited security clearance, all you need to know is this: I thought I had it all figured out, and I was wrong.

As I flopped around like that fish trying to escape the sailor in the beginning of The Little Mermaid, I held on to anything I could: advice from friends, strangers and dysfunctional TV characters, music, poetry, memories of my childhood and most importantly, my imagination. So here at the end of the school year, I've developed a pretty extensive list of realizations and somewhat unusual coping strategies. As it turns out, I know more than I thought I did. Which is indeed a tiny amount of knowledge. But still.

I started this blog as a way for me to chronicle all I've learned and am learning and share some of my ideas with you. While I recognize that my readership will probably consist of my great aunt Francie (the most technologically savvy seventy-something lady in the world) and my mom (HI MOM!), I'm going to address you, Reader, as though you are attempting to survive this college nonsense alongside me.

My general philosophy is this: when life gets tough, imagine something cool and use it to get you through.  This is why I'm pretending to be a ninja-college-advisor and why instead of getting blog posts, you will get missions and protocols and briefings. These are all part of your larger mission, The Mission, if you will, which is, should you choose to accept it, to do college like a badass.

Being on your own and trying to build a life for yourself without having the faintest idea of what's going on can be overwhelming. So this is me fighting back, claiming what I do know and learning to swim.

(Classified Video 1. See minutes 1:42-2:00 for the scene mentioned above.)