El Código del Perdón

Because spy missions sound better in foreign languages.

You know that thing when you suddenly remember something awful you did days, months or even years ago and your whole body just cringes?

Well, Ninja Protégé, it is time to begin your anti-regret training. Like the Zen Master Method, El Código del Perdón (or "The Code of Forgiveness") can be employed in any stressful situation, not just  when dealing with mistakes.

Step 1. Freak out.

Start panicking.

This step is optional. More experienced ninjas proceed directly to Step 2. I just want to acknowledge that it's ok to take a few moments to feel what you feel.

Step 2. Employ Zen Master Method.

See my last communication. Quick summary: Pretend you are an unflappable badass. As you are making your plan of action on how to tackle your problem, keep in mind these next steps.

Step 3. Face the music.

I spent a lot of time in high school making excuses for myself. I was so afraid of people's disapproval that I was never just honest about my mistakes and things like, "I was sick!" just slipped out. Now, I try to just tell the hard truth. I once burst into my Japanese staff fighting class (and you were doubting my qualifications as a ninja) a half an hour late and bumbled through an explanation that I had slept through my alarm but I really, really wanted to be there and it wouldn't happen again. My teacher (Steve Sensei) told me to get it together. And then thanked me for my honesty. I can't tell you how many people thank me for my honesty nowadays. We all screw up. Often. And badly (arriving late to class has been the least of my mishaps). So people appreciate when you humbly take responsibility. Admit you were wrong, ask for help and bravely face your mistakes.

I haven't been feeling well. I had a family emergency.
I made a mistake.

Step 4. Do what you can to fix it.

You can't go back. And no one can expect that of you. So do your best, your absolute best, to make amends. Apologize. Ask what you can do going forward. And then the ball's in the other person's court.

Step 5. Be honest with yourself.

"I failed my test because I'm a horrible person." Wrong. You failed your test because you didn't understand the material and underestimated how much time you'd need to study. In the scheme of things, those are pretty small mistakes. At least a lot smaller than being a horrible person! Be sure to remember the tough stuff that was out of your hands too. Don't beat yourself up for things you didn't do or couldn't control. Take an unflinchingly honest look at what went wrong and focus on one small thing you could do differently next time.

Step 6. Learn from it.

The best way I've found to get past my regrets is to make a pact with myself for next time. "Ok, so that didn't go so hot. Note to self: do not eat spaghetti over your friends' class projects" [actual entry in my journal from freshman year]. Remember to be patient with yourself. You might end up making the same promise to yourself several times before you're able to make a change.

And then,

Step 7. Let it go.

 Listen, we’re not supposed to know how to do this. Let me repeat: We’re not supposed to know how to do this. My first year I remember being in the midst of trying to start this club and failing miserably and asking myself, “Why can’t I do this?” And just as suddenly I had my answer. Nobody told you how. You have to be patient with yourself as you figure out how to be an adult because while the people who love you have tried to prepare you for this, the truth is, you don’t have the answers yet and how could you possibly? So the most important rule of surviving college: forgive yourself for your mistakes because this is how we learn how to be the awesome adults we dream of being.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Will this matter to the future love of your life? Will your kids care that you messed this up?" And that usually helps. 

Will your future children care about this mistake?

Seriously, for all the soon to be first years out there, let this be your mantra: This is my first year. I'm just learning.

I'm not supposed to know how to do this.




Special thanks to my sister, High School Ninja, who inspired my ideas on this and first helped me articulate them. Rock on with your bad self, Baby Cakes.